My Daughter / Son is Going Through Infertility

My Daughter / Son is Struggling with Infertility
By Rachel Inbar, with special thanks to my mom, Dr. Rona Michelson who both supported me through infertility & helped me with this article.

If your child is going through infertility, it's very hard to know what the right things to say are. It naturally depends on what your relationship with your child is, but there are some things you want to keep in mind in any case:

Infertility is real. Whether the doctors are able to find a reason for it or not, it's real. Telling your child that s/he should "relax" or that "it always takes time" or that "Suzy's daughter got pregnant the minute they decided to adopt." doesn't help. Denying your child's infertility might make you feel better, but it can make him/her feel like s/he's being ridiculed.

This is your child's experience, not yours. Though you might be yearning to have a grandchild, you did have your chance to raise a child. Your child, while going through infertility, is dealing with the fact that s/he may never have a child of his or her own. Let the pain belong to them and keep your pain to yourself.

Your child is an adult. S/he deserves privacy. Infertility is a very intimate topic, so never push your child to discuss any more than s/he wants to. Keep in mind that infertility is usually a serious issue in a marriage. They may have decided together what they want to reveal and what not to reveal. Pushing your child to say more than s/he wants to may mean that s/he is violating a confidence with her/his spouse. This is something you don't want to be a part of.

Your child's decisions are his/her own. Don't try to suggest what s/he should do, what doctor they should see, what treatment they should be going through or that they should be considering adoption. S/he grew up and needs to make these decisions with her/his spouse. If they ask your opinion, share it gently.

Do not blame. People do not choose to be infertile. OK, some women have their tubes tied & some men have vasectomies that they later regret, but in general, when people want to have a baby, the decision is genuine, as is the difficulty when they're unsuccessful. If you find out that your daughter-in-law has PCOS, you'd better not ever hold it against her, just like you wouldn't want anyone to say anything about your son if it turned out he had a zero-sperm count.

Here is a letter (used with permission) that a woman going through infertility imagined would be the ideal letter to receive from her mother:

"Dear Daughter,

I can only imagine how difficult it is for you to want so desperately to have a baby and for it not to be working for you. I remember your dreams of becoming a mommy from the time you were a child, how you yearned to have another baby brother or sister and how you cared for your younger siblings lovingly and tenderly.

I believe with all of my heart that some day you will become a mother and that G-d is waiting to find just the right child for you.

I want you to know that I am here for you anytime you need to talk, ask questions or even just to cry.

Keep being optimistic and remember to take care of yourself and do things that you enjoy.

Most of all, know that I love you.

Love,
Mom"

Rona Michelson, DSW, adds, "Parents themselves often do need support since watching one’s child suffer is enormously painful, but that support should not be based on sharing with one’s friends or relatives details of the child’s problem."

Be gentle, be loving and most of all, be considerate toward your child and his/her partner.

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