Katie's Story
posted May 1, 2005 in response to Tanya's story

I understand how your husband feels from a woman’s point of view! My husband and I had gone through 3 IUI’s, 1 incomplete IVF, and 4 additional IVF cycles and finally decided (with Dr.’s recommendation) to use a donor egg. This decision was not made easily by either of us.

Now after 3 years of trying all these other treatments on our first try with donor egg, I am 5 ½ months pregnant with a boy! It was harder on me than it was on my husband to accept the fact that this child is not mine biologically. We already have a wonderful biological 5 yr. old son and had a hard time believing I could love “someone else’s” child the same as my own biological child. I also found myself feeling jealous of my husband who is able to be the biological parent. I wanted that connection too.

Even during the early stages of my pregnancy, I couldn’t get really excited about being pregnant. (Talk about mixed emotions of guilt and shame.) But now the baby is kicking and moving like crazy and I find myself getting more and more excited. My 5 year old son is feeling my growing stomach and thinks it’s great that every time he does it, it makes the baby kick me (of course he can’t feel it yet). I’m finding myself anticipating the arrival and can’t wait to see his little face.

I guess from my experience, all I can tell you is not to dismiss or devalidate your husbands feelings. It can cause a great deal of resentment and damage to your relationship. The fact is you are not starting out on an “even playing field” if you go with any kind of biological donation. If you were adopting, neither one of you would have a biological connection. Therefore you would be on an “even playing field” so to speak!

And in the end, whatever decision you both make. Remember it takes more than sperm to make a daddy!!!

Get more information about:

Male infertility
Egg donation