Jill's Story
posted March 22, 2007

As long as I can remember all I have ever wanted to do is be a mother. I married my husband when I was 23 and he was 33. The day after the wedding I stopped taking my birth control pills. I figured it would take 3 months or so to get pregnant, but I was elated when 6 weeks after stopping the pill I still hadn't had a period. I just knew I had to be pregnant!

As I sat in my Gyn's office a nurse came in and said very cheerfully "Congratulations, you're NOT pregnant!" I was so confused and couldn't help crying. She said she thought I was so young and would be happy to not be pregnant. Anyway, so I took Provera to induce a period and then waited, nothing. My gyn gave me Clomid, I took it and again waited. Three failed cycles of Provera and Clomid later he said I had PCOS. He gave me metformin and sent me to a Reproductive Endo. He started me out on Avandia in addition to the Metformin and told me to use birth control for 3 months. We then started on the Clomid again, 50mgs--nothing, 100mgs, nothing, 150mgs--nothing, finally at 250mgs I ovulated. I faithfully charted my BBT and cervical mucus. I took OPK's twice daily for weeks on end. We had intercourse on all the right days and still nothing. Then the RE tested my husband and found that his count was too low and motility was also very low.

I had an HSG done, all clear, and then we started IUI. We've had 2 failed IUI cycles with Clomid so far. Now they have added dexamethasone to the Clomid and we have 1 last shot at IUI before we have to consider IVF. And IVF is not financially possible for us so I guess that means our journey is nearly over. Emotionally this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Each year on my wedding anniversary I don't feel happy to be married for so many years, but I feel like I have failed as a woman and wife for that many years. The realization that I will probably never hold my newborn baby in my arms pains me every day. I am slowly coming to terms with my situation, but I still grieve. I grieve for a child that I will never have and yet at the same time I still hope and pray.