The Never Ending Pregnancy...

So, this morning we showed up at the hospital, just like the doctors told us to. Just one problem. I'm not 42 full weeks until tomorrow, so I'm low priority & since there were too many women ahead of me in line, they told me that they wouldn't be able to induce until after the Sabbath (at least). The doctor recommended I stay somewhere with better food and a more comfortable bed (i.e. go home) and come back again tomorrow night. She believes that they will induce within 2 days...

Fortunately, I hadn't gotten my hopes up and it really IS more pleasant to be home for Shabbat, so here I am.

I made it to 41w6d. I may yet get to my 43rd week...

Your eyes do not deceive you

I'm still here. The best they can 'promise' is that they will hospitalize me from tomorrow & fit me in as soon as there's a free room...

In less than 3 hours I will be at 41w6d. As Big Nutbrown Hare said (in Guess How Much I Love You by Sam McBratney), "Oh, that's far. That's very, very far."

Really bad news just in: because of a terrorist attack in Jerusalem, the hospital needs to use all its resources to take care of the victims. They had told us to call this evening to see if there was a chance they could take us & the midwife just told Ohad that now there's no way... (and don't misunderstand me - this is bad news in terms of the victims, their families & Israel. I'll be fine...)

Change in plans...

Here's one family that had a major change in plans. Imagine IVF triplets after transferring a single embryo(!)

We also have a change in plans. The induction is off for tomorrow. The hospital said it's too soon...

I think I missed the target...

I had said March 3rd, but I guess not... (cross out March 4th as well).

If UI is born on the 6th, that will be the day I was due with Abigail (who was born on the 14th).

Anyone want to revise their estimate?

We have a verdict!

Today, not only did Ohad come with me to my 'excursion' (post-date monitoring) but we had the nicest doctor, who actually sat with us for a long time and told us what wonderful prizes are hiding behind doors number 1 and 2.

Behind door number 1 is the option to go to the hospital now to be evaluated (i.e. repeat all the tests I did this morning). This would probably lead to being sent home with a big "NOT IN LABOR" stamp on my file, after wasting several hours driving back and forth and doing the testing.

Behind door number 2 is the option to continue being way-too-patient (don't know where I got that from) and see if anything happens by Thursday. If so, cool. If not, come in for tests again Thursday morning & then be sent to the hospital, where they will decide when they feel like inducing (but apparently they don't usually wait more than a few days). Waiting for induction last time wasn't the best thing, because it meant that at home things got out of control. Hopefully, since no sibling of mine is getting married within the next week (my sister got married 2 days after Nomi was born & so things were pretty crazy) my parents will be able to help us avoid that situation. I have plans about farming out my kids (but haven't talked to my siblings about it yet), so we'll have to see.

I think I'm choosing door 2. Ohad might have opted for 1, but I was kind of psyching myself up for having a few hours of labor at home so that I could get to the hospital with some sort of dilation...

So, Thursday's the day we head for the hospital. Ubar Inbar will hopefully join us by Sunday or Monday...

41 week pic

Hey, not everyone is willing to have their picture taken at this stage of pregnancy (and not everyone is lucky enough to be as overdue as me...) In the background are Nomi & Abigail (eating dinner) and Hadas, squinting...

Keeping busy

Well, it's not as if I could ever run out of things to do...

Hadas checked out a book for me from the library, but it turned out to be a historical romance. History & I don't get along too well, so she suggested that I actually go to the library myself and choose a book... How come I couldn't think of that? So, I went to the library & even chose 2 books that I hope are light enough reading for me when my brain is functioning a bit like a computer with too little RAM.

Before that, I went to the bank, to the supermarket & to the dollar store (which, since the dollar has fallen, has become more like $1.50). I got Abigail and Nomi a furry pink boa and clip-on earrings to play with (Purim, our dress-up holiday, is in 2-1/2 weeks) and a Finding Nemo tablecloth (since Abigail's birthday is next Friday) and notebook paper for the big kids (I'm sure they'll be thrilled). I keep reminding myself that I should enjoy this time when everything is so easy.

At the library, I sent Hadas an SMS telling her to call me before she got on the bus & then I drove to pick her up from school (saving her close to an hour, because the bus has the stupidest-route-ever). It's kind of weird, because she goes to school outside of the city, but it's only about an 8-minute-drive from our house. By bus it's over an hour, but the bus is so cheap (less than 50 cents) that it doesn't make any sense to drive out there.

Maybe tomorrow I will find out when they might actually send me to be induced, though it seems like they don't really like to share that information... I remember this from previous pregnancies in which I was overdue. Is that one of the things they learn in medical school? Keep the overdue woman in suspense???

Infertility at a time like this?

"Barren Karen" posted an interesting question that I've thought about myself numerous times. Although she didn't put it this way, this is what I see as the main issue: At what point do you stop being a member of the club, if ever?

Is it at all legitimate for a woman who's currently overdue with her 6th child to hang around infertility blogs as if she has something to contribute?

I spent years trying to get pregnant with Hadas. 8 months into my first marriage, 2 months before I turned 21, I went off the pill and hoped to become pregnant. My period was irregular, so the two-week-wait was often a 4-week-wait, ending always in the same disappointment. I was so convinced that everything was OK that it was only 14 months later that I made my first appointment. And then the tests began. And treatments. There was no internet, no support groups, and no one who really had any idea what I was going through. I went for IUI after IUI and then for IVF. And another IVF. On the 2nd IVF I got lucky. My beta was 2500 at 19dpt (that was the earliest they tested back then, because they gave hCG shots as late as day 8). One (much older) friend had told me that bleeding is common in IVF pregnancies. It didn't really help me not to freak out when I started gushing blood right around 6 weeks... but she was right, everything was OK & I carried Hadas to 42 weeks, when finally I was induced.

I was 24-1/2 when Hadas was born & my chances of getting pregnant hadn't changed. I didn't want her to be an only child and went through 2 more fresh & 1 frozen cycle (which took nearly 18 months) before I became pregnant again. Matan (b) and Lilach (g) were born just after my 27th birthday.

So, I was young and I had 2 healthy pregnancies and 3 healthy kids. How could infertility still possibly affect me?

Well, even with 3 kids in the house & even though their care fell almost entirely on me, from the time M&L were about 6 months old, I felt someone was still missing. The feeling was so strong that no matter what I did, I couldn't shake it. Some months I would fantasize that a miracle happened and that I'd be pregnant. I would try to calculate the odds again and again, but more than 60 cycles later, it still hadn't happened.

I did go back for another IVF cycle. I conceived on the first try, but had a really bad pregnancy that ended around 13 weeks. From the time I started TTC until that miscarriage, 12 years had passed. Twelve years of looking at other people and trying to convince myself that pregnancy-by-sex was not just a myth... years of knowing how fortunate I was to have had successes, but still feeling sad at the loss of a dream. At my inability to determine if/when I would have a child (or another child).

Does what happened after that erase the past? In some ways, it does. I look at pregnant women with a big smile on my face. Seeing mommies with little kids is the most natural thing in the world for me. Any jealousy that I had or difficulty going to birth parties (we don't have baby showers in Israel) is completely gone. I can even honestly say that after, with G-d's help, our baby is born healthy, my family will be complete, that I've 'done the pregnancy thing' and 'the breastfeeding thing' and the 'being a mommy to a baby' thing. I look at my kids and think how lucky they are to have each other and each one is an incredible blessing...

What will stay with me forever is the understanding of what it is like to go through infertility. The uncertainty, the fear of never succeeding, the frustration, the anger, the jealousy... I've also gained experience and knowledge during these years, so although my family may be almost* complete, I hope that I will be able to provide support and information for others who are still at the beginning, with the hopes that they will be writing a similar post someday. And, because I am free of any of the negative emotions that infertility carries with it, I have the luxury of always being purely happy to read other people's good news.

So, in answer to the question... you stay part of the club as long as you have something to contribute to the infertile community. I believe I still do.

---
*BTW "any day now" is getting kind of old, since people have been telling me that since late January... Note that I'm actually getting FARTHER from my due date every day.

Week 2 out of 2?

I really don't want to break my own record, which was 2 full weeks past my due date.

I know I'm fortunate not to be scared of induction (hey, I've survived it twice... and with Nomi, it was my most relaxed labor ever), but the idea of having a chance to labor at home appeals to me (as long as the little girls aren't here/awake). With Abigail I was still sleeping between contractions until about 90 minutes before she was born...

Whatever... as long as the baby is healthy :-)

Got the cake...

Fortunately, there's not that much of it & I'm pretty good about sharing.

I already look like Humpty Dumpty, so what's a few hundred extra calories?

Have a nice weekend :-)

Peaceful weekend ahead?

It's getting a little old - the monitor > blood pressure > urine test > ultrasound > doctor thing... Obviously I appreciate the necessity, but it takes too long and there's not really any fun part (except perhaps for an excuse to leave the house?).

No news. No contractions. I know some women go into labor spontaneously, but I'm not counting on it. Instead, I'm wondering where the best place to buy the cake I'm craving is...

Ah, I did get some news from the doctor today. He said that they might send me for induction as early as next Thursday (i.e., a week) but that the hospital might choose not to induce for up to a week after that(!) Nah, they couldn't really do that to me, could they?

My last 2 week wait ever...

OK, so I realize that that's actually what this is - another 2ww. For some, it's equally stressful & full of anticipation... So far, I'm cool... I'm kind of happy that it could (theoretically) happen any time and equally freaked by the fact that it could (theoretically) happen any time... The next few days are inconvenient because the big kids are with their dad this Shabbat and the little girls would feel most comfortable with them... so, from Sunday is better (unless I could have a 'speedy delivery' & be out of the hospital by Friday afternoon - note that it's already Wednesday night here, so that's highly unlikely).

This morning I walked Abigail to her nursery school & then came home & made cream of wheat, worked for a while & then took a long nap. I only came downstairs after Ohad came home & then he took me to get a steak bagette (yum!). [Note: Napping in the middle of the day is a rare treat.]

Abigail drove us insane this evening, coming out of her bed an incredible number of times... I am so happy it is finally quiet.

Post #202

I got practically no work done yesterday, which wasn't great, because I still have quite a few things to do (which I plan to start as soon as I finish this post).

UI is squirming around, moving a ton. Last night it was about 90 minutes straight and I was beginning to feel seasick from all the kicks into my stomach...

I'm almost finished with Bridge to Terabithia, which is a children's book (making it something I might actually get through). Most of the book was similar to something I often imagine - about meeting Ohad when we were both children (we're 13 days apart) and sharing that innocent bond of friendship that develops into the purest form of love... It's so easy for me to picture us together as kids and to know that we would have been best friends, because we understand each other so well... I still haven't finished the book, but the ending is going to be very different from how I would have written it...

Last night I talked to Ohad about the ambivalent feelings I have (not about the baby, but about labor). I mean, now that it's fairly close (less than 2 weeks away) there are two sides to it - one is the totally unknown experience of labor - what it will be like, how it will begin, etc. & the other is the excitement of knowing that the baby is about to be born. Although I'm fairly hopeful that I'll get through the labor OK, I wonder what the rush is... Apparently, assuming all is well, there are no advantages to having the baby before 42 weeks, in terms of the baby's health. Maybe it's not too bad an idea to just wait it out.

Next appointment Thursday

OK, I knew that before I went today, but I don't really have a title for today's post.

I guess I was feeling fairly chatty today because I forced the nurse to listen to my entire life's history (OK, only the fact that I'd already done the overdue thing twice and that I don't really love the fetal monitor, but that I did appreciate the recliner & had even blogged about it)... I wonder if this had anything to do with her wishing me luck in NOT coming back on Thursday...

The ultrasound tech must have enjoyed doing the ultrasound, because she went over everything repeatedly (placenta, amniotic fluid, heart, baby moving, position of the head). I didn't really get it - did she think it was going to flip? I mean, it was weird when she told me that the head was down the second time, but the fifth time I was starting to wonder whether I was imagining it (I wasn't). Maybe she was just bored or something...

Since this post is deadly boring already, I'll add the fact that we found a way to keep the cat out of Abigail's bed. We took a thin mattress that's a little over a meter high & we blocked the doorway with it. It's perfect because it's easy to set up (takes about 10 seconds) and Abigail can still get out of her room on her own within a few seconds. (Nomi's in the crib, so she's stuck in any case.) Until we solved this, Abigail was waking us up sometimes 4 or 5 times a night because the cat was bothering her.

The kids are getting a bit antsy about the birth, especially Lilach and Abigail. At least they finally remember to take their cell phones with them...

Results are in...

OK, so perhaps not too many people are willing to risk this, but for the brave ones who did - thanks! Here are the results:

Note: I am still pregnant. This is just a preparatory drill, for when UI actually makes his/her appearance.

First, Anita - sorry, I couldn’t work your answers in, it was too complicated...

From Kirby at WhatToExpect:
We’re thankful to announce the birth of our new baby {Kirby's keeping it a secret, I guess} on March 3, 2008.

After 23 of hours in the hospital and a 72 hour labor, most of which was tolerable, Rachel decided an epidural was a passing fancy. Her most memorable comment was, “Wow, that was close!”
The baby weighed 8 lbs and 12 ounces and, as is the standard in Israel and Iran, was not measured.

From Rona (aka Eema or IcNIc) at DrSavta:
We’re thankful to announce the birth of our new baby boy on March 1, 2008.
After 5 of hours in the hospital and a 127 hour labor, most of which was tolerable, Rachel decided an epidural was important. Her most memorable comment was, “Oh my G-d!”

The baby weighed 6 lbs and 3 ounces and, as is the standard in Israel and Iraq, was not measured.

---
In other news, we were right - Nomi has a mild ear infection in one ear and can go back to her day care tomorrow. Ohad is kind of under the weather too :-(

Matan is going to Mount Hermon tomorrow to see some snow and go sledding. Lilach has a field trip and Hadas is going to school (for a change). Ohad is going to Be'er Sheva and I may actually get some work done (today was crazy, not a minute to do anything, even check my email).

Mad-lib

It's a do-it-yourself birth announcement... Here are the fields:

Month & date – any time Feb 23 to March 9
Level of necessity (e.g., critical)
What you say when you nearly get hit by a truck
A country you are unlikely to travel to
Expression of happiness or gratitude
Level of pain (e.g., not very)
Gender (boy or girl)
and 4 numbers:

• 1: from 1 to 16
• 2: from 1 to 24
• 3: from 6 to 8
• 4: any number

Please post your words in the comments. I will post the other part, complete with your answers, probably on Sunday...

---

In other news, today's monitor & u/s went well, with the baby being relatively small (just over 3.5kg) and a little bit too much amniotic fluid (though they don't suspect GD & last week there was a little too little fluid). The Women's Center got new nifty recliners, which made the monitor so much less unpleasant. I actually sat and read the entire time. (They also got a new electronic blood pressure machine, which I think gives far more objective readings - mine was 110/70.) The doc on call didn't say what I wanted to hear (i.e., it could happen...) but rather said something to the effect of, "your baby is probably happy to hang around for as long as possible. We might consider stripping your membranes sometime around March 6th...") I finished there, went shopping for some last-minute stuff (pita, cucumbers, milk, etc.) & was still able to pick Nomi up on time. I get to go back again on Monday...

Did I forget to blog?

In all the, ahem, excitement around here, I must have forgotten to blog today...

Well. The only news is that there's no news. Tomorrow I go in for my first 'post-date' checkup. It's a real drag, but the best way to make sure that everything continues to be OK. First it's half an hour on the monitor (have I mentioned how much I hate the fetal monitor?) and then an ultrasound (mostly to check the placenta, I believe). After that, I probably get to wait for whatever doctor happens to be around so that he can send me home and tell me to come back sometime next week. Sounds fun, huh?

I've got a great idea for tomorrow, I just need a little time to put it together :-)

---
BTW, anyone who makes fun of women who go past their due date should be warned: In your next life (or perhaps even several lives), you will be a female elephant.

Um, the bag

Instead of continuing to pack it, some of the things that were in the bag (like my slippers) already found their way back out... (I guess that has to do with leaving it open and within Nomi's reach).

Here's my list:

Camera (we're charging the batteries more often, but use the camera on a semi-daily basis, so it's not in the bag)
Video camera & tapes (fully charged & in the bag)
Cell phone and charger (I'll probably forget the charger, but my phone usually lasts for a few days)
Music CDs (I prepared them before Abigail was born, but never used them - still on the shelf.)
Pillow (because usually you can only get one at the hospital and I like to sleep with at least 2)

Socks, underwear, nursing bra, slippers, flannel pants (I'm going to deliver in a hospital where I don't think they even offer pants, since most of the women don't wear pants ever).
Toothbrushes & toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner, liquid soap, hairbrush & hairbands (they may have some kind of soap at the hospital, but it's absolutely not the same as having my own).
A big towel (because the ones at the hospital are the size of my hand towels).
Pads (because I'm picky and I like the extra long ones with wings).

Snacks including sucking candy & gum. Snickers bars for Ohad :-)
Puzzles? A book? (No, I don't actually think I'll be doing puzzles during labor, but in the ward it might be nice to have them.)

Am I missing anything critical? I probably only have about 2 or 2-1/2 weeks left to finish this...

I wake up laughing...

Sometimes my dreams are really funny. I mean, so funny that I literally wake up laughing out loud. I don't use the computer on Shabbat, meaning no email, no blogs, no surfing... I must have been dreaming about reading blogs and for a second, the thought crossed my mind that I can't even check my blog to see if I had the baby...

No news. But, logically, each day does bring us one day closer to meeting UI, right?

Fired!

Here's what happened at my appointment that I didn't expect:

First, my doctor told me that eating parsley is good for edema...
Second, my doctor didn't faint when I told him I am taking the iron (though he did look a little pale)
Third, HE FIRED ME! He told me that in terms of visits I'm done & that from now on I go to the Women's Center for monitoring twice a week, starting next Friday.

Useful information for UI (Ubar Inbar)

Dear UI,

You know all the noise you hear now? Expect it to get worse… There are quite a few people who are looking forward to meeting you.

Abba (AKA Ohad) – He’s the guy who’s always busy: working, cooking, cleaning-up, giving baths & reading stories to your sisters, shuttling the big kids around, or being silly (yup, he does that too). He’s the one who will sing to you and hold you every chance he gets. He’ll take you for walks and show you things, he’ll notice every little detail about you…

Mommy (the one with the rumbling noises you keep hearing from inside) – I’m the one who will feed you, teach you the names of the birds and the flowers, make sure you’re always dressed nicely and not too warm or cold. I will also make sure to keep you safe from your sweet, but curious sisters. I will look at you remembering what it was like to feel you moving inside me and wonder how it’s possible that you are real… (I’ll also be the one panicking until we find you a name…)

Hadas – She’s the teenager with the glasses & braces who will sometimes be incredibly interested in you and sometimes completely ignore you. As you grow, she will be able to teach you so many things. You’ll also probably want to be really nice to her, since by the time you turn 3 she may already have a driver’s license… She may not live at home next year, so get to know her well during these coming months (I’ll try to peel her away from the computer so you’ll get to see her once in a while.)

Matan – He’s the one who will make silly faces at you and talk to you whenever you need company. He will love holding you and feeding you, but will suddenly have someplace else to go if you need a new diaper. Matan will talk to you in a silly voice not that different from Grover’s and when you smile your first smile; he will be the happiest kid on earth.

Lilach – She’s the medium-sized one who loves babies. She will do anything she can for you, even change your diaper. She’ll be the first to volunteer to feed you (should you actually agree to take a bottle) and she will be like a little mom to you. We may have to remind her sometimes to give you a little space, but she will do everything for you with lots of love and only the best intentions.

Abigail – She’s the one who you’ve been hearing whine for the past few months. She’s been kind of moody lately, maybe because she is curious as to what it will be like to have you around. She is going to be a great friend. She’ll push you in the stroller (even though she can’t see where she’s going), share her toys and crayons with you and sing songs to you so that you can fall asleep at night. She will also be able to answer just about any question you have, no matter what it's about.

Nomi – The smallest of the bunch and the only curly-haired one in our family. Nomi will be incredibly interested in you and, most of the time, she will remember to be very gentle. She will hand you your toys, bring me a diaper for you and try to make you laugh. She will point out what you’re doing at any given moment and will notice every time you’re not in the room, “where is the baby?”.

A lot to keep track of? These are just the people who live in our house… Many more people are waiting to meet you too.

In the meantime, I have a project to finish, so - no rush…

Love,
Mommy

I must be OK

At dinner, one of the kids asked what today's date was and I couldn't remember... I knew it was sometime around the 10th of February.

Last night my legs drove me bonkers. I think it is the fact that they are so swollen that causes them to be hypersensitive. I was finally able to fall asleep when I separated my feet with a pillow, but each time I got up it took time to fall asleep again. At 7, when Matan called from his father's house, I jumped out of my bed to get the phone & got a terrible cramp in my calf. I vaguely remember having cramps in both legs simultaneously at some point during the night. We are still sleeping with our window open (and the ceiling fan on) - so when I lay awake, at least I could hear that it was pouring outside.

Next on our list is a doctor's appointment on Thursday. It will go something like this:
Doc takes my blood pressure (so far still around 110/70)
Doc asks how I'm feeling. I say OK.
Doc asks if I'm taking my iron. I say yes.
Doc faints.
Doc makes a quick recovery and tells me to make an appointment for another week. (I guess it can't be much longer than that, because once I go past my due date he has to send me to be monitored twice or three times a week - really no fun.)
I try to make an appointment with the secretary who insists on telling me that there are no appointments until mid-March... (Actually, one of the secretaries is OK. The other is a wicked witch.)

Basically, nothing exciting is going to happen... Ah, yes. The doc may do a quick u/s, but his u/s is so quick that you barely get to see anything and he doesn't estimate the weight either (though when I asked him to estimate Nomi's weight w/o ultrasound last time, he was exactly right).

Since the doc's office is a 5-minute walk from our house, I estimate the whole thing will take about 15 minutes (including walking both ways). So why am I looking forward to the appointment?

Almost human

Today, Ohad decided to give me a rare treat... He picked up both Abigail and Nomi & took them to Tel Aviv, meaning that from 3:30 until now (almost 8:30) I could do whatever I wanted (some of that was working). At 5, Matan and Lilach went to be with their dad & Hadas and I went to see if we could hunt some clothes down for her (does one undershirt count?). It's been a while since we had time to just hang out and she's gotten pretty grown up - nearly 14-1/2 now... Today she participated in a bridge tournament and came in 3rd place for North-South, which she claims is harder than East-West (she has a 3rd place trophy for that from a previous tournament). It's pretty amazing that she could win anything, since she stopped taking bridge classes more than 2 years ago (yes, they actually had bridge classes at school - she goes to a school with special enrichment classes one day a week).

Hadas and I also went to a big discount supermarket and got macaroni & cheese (boxed) that the kids want to eat when I'm in the hospital. Anything they can make for themselves will make things easier on Ohad, so I didn't mind... (usually we don't let them eat that junk even though it actually tastes good...) The kids volunteered to do various things (set the table, clear the table, run the dishwasher, prepare dinner, etc.) and since it's all written down, some of it may actually happen.

On Friday, we put the infant seat in the trunk of Ohad's car (my sister had been using it for her baby, but they went out and bought a new car seat).

As you might guess, we have a lot of laundry. We (=Ohad) always end up doing a load or two in the middle of the week (I fold), but usually our goal is to have all the laundry baskets empty on Friday... Now we decided to shift to twice a week - Tuesday and Friday - so that there won't be huge piles of unfolded laundry & so that the little girl's outfits will be put away in their drawers & therefore easy to find. I still haven't gotten around to taking down things that UI might be able to wear...

Remember that small car accident I had last month? Strangely enough, they still haven't called & it's been 5 weeks. There wasn't a lot of damage, but there was some... Maybe it's because it was a company car & they didn't want the hassle of talking to my insurance company? It would be nice if they just decided to let it go...

Attack of the killer heartburn

I know that toward the end of pregnancy you're supposed to have less and not more heartburn, but apparently my body missed this little piece of information...

My project is moving along nicely. I guess it has to do with the fact that I am actually able to concentrate on work, which leads me to a question...

After an IUI, IVF or during pregnancy, did you feel a need to remember your embryo / fetus / baby all the time? As if, if you forgot about it even for a short time that it would suddenly disappear?

I may have to kill someone

But perhaps instead I'll just give a few simple rules...

1) If you know when I'm due, please don't ask me every time you see me / talk to me. My due date isn't going to change and if you don't remember what it is from the first 29 times you asked me, it might not actually be that important to you...

2) Don't ask me if I have symptoms of impending labor. If I wanted to say something I would. Also, please avoid the annoying 'checking-in' phone calls, unless you want to tempt me not to tell you when the baby actually is born. (I do allow people to call for that purpose after Shabbat, but they have to pretend that that's not why...)

3) I only want to talk about my weight with people who are totally uninterested. If you're really dying to know, don't ask me and I'll probably slip. If you ask me, I may ask you back and, believe me, you'll be more embarrassed than I will.

4) Drop the 'any day now' line. I know perfectly well how long it could be.

This post has been brought to you by the letter P and the number 39.

Is Florence just the beginning?

Although at first some people thought it was ridiculous to even consider it, I thought that if Ohad wanted to get a doctorate then we'd have to do everything we could to make it possible. Even after I lost my job and found out I was pregnant (all within a month), I still thought it would be a huge mistake for him to give up his dream. So far, almost 2-1/2 years into his doctorate, things are OK, better than we expected.

Last year, Ohad submitted two papers to the same conference, in London. Both were accepted and he flew to London to present one of them (and stand by the poster for the other in a session weirdly named a "poster boaster"). This year, he's started submitting papers right and left and recently found out that his paper (co-authored by a whole slew of colleagues, but his name is first) was accepted and that he's going to Florence. For about a week, in April. I never realized these opportunities would come up & it's definitely a really nice bonus... I think by April he will be seriously needing a break. Too bad he'll be coming back just before the kids go on Passover vacation for two whole weeks.

In the meantime, he's submitted another paper for a conference in Vienna and he's working on one for a conference in Amsterdam (if it's accepted, hopefully I'll join him for that one). Pretty cool.

Abigail update: her eye looks better, close to being normal again. Putting in the medicine is not fun, but it's going OK. Bribery barely helps, if at all. (But I am enjoying the 'leftover' dark M&M's.)

Bag packing update: on Sunday, Ohad and I went to the Machane Yehuda market in Jerusalem. We stopped by a candy stand and picked up some mini chocolate bars, chewing gum and a package of sucking candy. Today I also took a hairbrush and some rubber bands upstairs. They haven't quite made it to the bag yet, but they might, maybe even this week.

Gift update: we got the two little girls stuffed animals that they can bring the baby as a gift. A while ago I got a small gift for them too (something cute that happened to be on sale).

Candy update: we got each of the older kids a 1kg bag of candy to hand out at school after the baby is born. They did this when the other two girls were born too (I think it makes them feel special.)

Birthday update: I picked up kaleidescopes to give out at Abigail's nursery school on her birthday. Her birthday is still over a month away, but who knows when I'll get a chance to find something - and these were 2 for $1... and something I wouldn't mind my kid getting. My other favorite gift is a beach ball. I can live without cheapy crayons, plasticine that gets all over the house and anything that has a gazillion tiny pieces.

Project update: actually, it looks like we're making progress. It's amazing how working with an intelligent team makes such a big difference.

Belly update: I walked into a mall today and a woman came up to me after about 10 seconds to ask if I wanted a chair. I said, "No, thank you. Do I look like I need one?" she kind of mumbled something and then my cellphone rang, so I didn't hear what it was, but I was wondering if I look that bad. Later I went into a store where the guy knows me and he said something to the effect of "good luck with the birth", but it was clear that what he was getting at was but not in my store... I guess I have made up for not showing until my 5th month.

Final scan?

UI (ubar Inbar) was cooperative for today's scan. The estimated weight is around 2.9kg or 6lbs5oz.

In other news:
The bag situation is unchanged
I have survived 2 entire days of taking prenatal vitamins AND yesterday's visit
My parents are on their way from Cambodia to Thailand & are expected in Israel tomorrow morning :-)
It did snow in Jerusalem and it's really stormy here...

Good luck to Kirby from what to expect on today's scan!

Packing the bag

There's more to actually packing the bag than just doing it.

See, packing the bag means preparing to have the baby. In my case, it's practically the only preparation I have. Weird, I know, but I just don't have that much to do. So, packing the bag would mean that my last preparation is done and from then on, I just wait. OK, wait and work way too much, but it would mean that I'm done. Ready. And I'm not ready to be ready yet, so I'm putting it off.

I explained it to a few people as 'taking the cherry off the top of the ice cream and putting it on the side of my plate to save it for last'. I'm enjoying the thought of eating the cherry right now. Actually eating it would be less satisfying than just thinking about it.

On Friday I printed a list I found on the internet and on Saturday night, I took that list, along with another list and crossed out all the things I thought were irrelevant. On Sunday night, I took the bag upstairs and made a combined list on a piece of paper. At this rate, by the time the kid is walking, I'll have the whole thing ready...

When Abigail was born, we did something that I think was kind of special - Ohad chose what the first song our baby would hear would be & we took the CD & a CD player to the hospital. The first chance we had, we played the song to her... Nomi, on the other hand, was born on the Sabbath, so we didn't play anything for her. I was so relieved when she was born OK (after a GD / too high birthweight scare) that I started singing "Happy Birthday" to her (it was not planned and probably sounded kind of stupid, but that's what came out).

We're planning to go to Jerusalem to give birth, but I decided that we needed a plan in case Jerusalem is snowed in (a snowstorm is expected, starting tonight). So we decided where we'd go just in case...

In other news, my hemoglobin is now officially the lowest it has ever been in my entire life. I was not good about taking my prenatal vitamins or iron supplements, kind of due to circumstances that are beyond my control (i.e., I did not find them to be compatible with any form of normal life), but now I'm forcing myself to take them anyway. (See what a little fear can do?)

Oh goody, my in-laws just arrived...

2 hours in 2 minutes

Well, my floor is clean (or it was on Friday) but doing so made my uterus mad. I was waiting for it to calm down, which it kind of did late yesterday, but then this morning I decided to touch up the office floor and my uterus got mad again...

I called the women's clinic sure that they'd tell me that it's normal, but instead they said to come in and gave me the royal treatment. Fetal monitor, pee-stick (for protein & glucose. The pregnancy at this point is pretty obvious), ultrasound, and a lovely internal exam... All's fine. And the doctor gave me 3 sick days. Let me just point out that this doesn't really help people like me, since I work according to deadlines & clients (some of whom have no idea I'm even pregnant, much less due next month).

On Wednesday we have an ultrasound to check the weight.

Random things

1. I want to thank Serenity for appreciating my thoughts.

2. The Braxton-Hicks are becoming much stronger and much more frequent. In my case, it really doesn't mean anything, but it's very noticeable.

3. Baby is definitely head down. When my sister asked me last week (before the ultrasound) I told her I wasn't sure & she said that a c-section isn't the end of the world anyway. True, I said, but it's not part of my plan. It might wreck some of my favorite stretch marks.

4. I am less panicked about a name. Not because we have any, but simply because I realize that since there aren't any left, it's not going to help... (This is what happens when you have a big family - from my side alone I have 19 neices and nephews, in addition to 11 cousins that my older kids have from their father's side - and, of course, you don't want to re-use names...)

5. I am going back and forth about feeling stupid to pack a bag so early (next week, which will be week 37) and feeling like I might regret not doing it, just in case this baby decides to surprise us. Maybe I'll compromise by waiting another week?

6. I am currently fabulously, fantastically lucky because the only discomfort I have is minor muscular pains here and there. I was able to give Abigail & Nomi a shower tonight on my own without any trouble... I'm also sleeping fairly well (I noticed in the past that my 9th month tends to be much easier than the 7th & 8th. Of course I'm only starting the 9th month tomorrow, so basically I'm saying that I expect things to get better & not worse.)

7. My parents are still in Vietnam, heading to Cambodia pretty soon. They've been sending SMS's almost every day. It's incredible how different it is when you hear from someone on a daily basis. I even gave my mom (who reads at least as many blogs as I do, and probably many more) some updates...

8. Ohad and I are planning a pre-birth getaway, well... as getaway as you can get when you take an almost-3 and an almost-2-year-old along. Maybe the Dead Sea?

I forgot to work on my seminar paper today :-(

A ticker indeed

I did it, I put up a ticker. I didn't think I would, but this one is less annoying than most...

We've been considering interesting dates - in Israel, we write the dates European style (day / month / year) so...

February 18 = 18/2/8
February 22 = 22/2/8
February 28 = 28/2/8
February 29th (yup, it's a leap year)
March 3 = 11 days before Abigail's birthday, 22 days before Nomi's
March 8 = 8/3/8

Any guesses? (Hint: February 18th is probably too early)

Those 4 weeks flew by

But I got a 2-week extension. I admitted that I'm not taking my iron or vitamins and my doctor didn't seem worried (I do manage to wake up at 7 & go to sleep at 12, without napping in the middle of the day & I can still do almost everything, including washing the floor).

The baby is head-down & weighs about 5 pounds (the doc estimates weight the old-fashioned way, but was very precise with Nomi, so I trust him). The best news is that there are no signs of gestational diabetes.

Pretty cool to be on the good side of the odds*

I'm getting pretty close to the 9th month...

Edit: Reading Serenity's post reminded me of something I figured out last night as I was shaving my legs. I had been wondering why, despite the fact that I hadn't shaved my legs in way-too-long they didn't look bad. Now I know. I have the same amount of hair, but twice as much skin. Yup, that's how huge my legs are...

*GD has a 60% chance of recurring in subsequent pregnancies and I have all the risk factors except for being overweight.

She got it...

After Abigail felt the baby moving a few minutes ago, I asked her if she knows how the baby will get out. She said someone would have to help it with its foot... I explained that usually the head comes out first and that it comes out of the vagina. She looked at me very seriously and said, "but the vagina is very, very small".

Really not ready for a countdown

But... today marks a maximum of 2 months before we get to meet UI. Although I usually say I have a history of being late, it's not exactly true...

• With Hadas I was induced (with pitocin & later having my water broken) at 41 weeks + 6 days and gave birth exactly 2 weeks after her due date.
• With Matan and Lilach, my doctor stripped my membranes at 38 weeks + 2 days and I gave birth 4 days later, 8 days before my due date.
• With Abigail, my doctor stripped my membranes more than once after 40 weeks and she was born at 41 weeks + 1 day.
• With Nomi, more than one doctor tried to see if you could actually kill someone by causing them intense pain, by trying (unsuccessfully) to bring on labor by stripping my membranes when my cervix was not ready at 38 weeks + 3 days (due to gestational diabetes and a high estimated weight). I later was induced using pitocin (which, I have to say, was not bad at all) and she was born at 38 weeks + 5 days (9 days early).

So actually, 2 births were late and 2 were early... But I never really had a birth start on its own, so I guess the safer bet is that it will be more similar to Abigail's birth (unless we suddenly discover gestational diabetes again).

Anyway, as well as this denial thing is going (not too well) I am still well aware of the fact that I'd better finish the project I'm working on in the next few weeks.

---

I was so thrilled to finally have a car & then yesterday, a bus driver got angry at me and decided to show me that his vehicle is bigger than mine (it was). Long-story-short, I backed into the car behind me to avoid being hit. This was probably a good choice in terms of keeping the front of my car intact. Unfortunately, the car behind me didn't enjoy it too much. I still haven't heard what the damage is, but I will probably pay it out of pocket and then try to sue the bus driver for causing the accident (at least I have 2 witnesses, including the driver of the car that I hit). The damage, of course, was minimal, but the frustration... and that feeling of vulnerability... ugh.

4 More Weeks of Blissful Denial

I just got back from my 31-week appointment (I'm actually only 30w+5d). My obgyn (who has now moved to an office which is a 7-minute-walk from my house) looked over the u/s from Tuesday saying that breech at this point in time is meaningless & that everything looks good. He asked me again if I'm taking my iron pills. Um. Well. I do, but not on a daily basis. So, after about 3 minutes in the office, he told me to make an appointment for another 4 weeks.

One might wonder (as I do) why I'm in some form of denial. The baby was planned and is very much wanted. I'm really looking forward to the excitement around the birth, the birth itself and taking care of a new baby... and then the first year-and-a-half are pretty awesome in terms of what the baby learns how to do, with every day leaving me surprised and amazed... And, of course, there's the interaction with the other kids which is interesting, entertaining & probably one of the things that brings us the most happiness... (at around 18 months I find myself ready to turn my baby over to day care and return to some form of adult life).

What I'm not terribly excited about is the pregnancy itself. I feel like I concentrate poorly, can get fewer things done, am strangely shaped and heavy... I also know that once UI makes an appearance, my life will change - a lot of things will get more difficult - like picking the little girls up from their daycare (I have a mental image of holding Abigail's hand, Nomi in the stroller & UI in the Baby Bjorn) or just going to drop off a package at the post office - things that have become pretty simple since Nomi started daycare 3 months ago. I'm worried about having even less time for the older kids (& believe me, it's already really difficult to find time and have patience for a severely-learning-disabled child who is learning to read a second language when she is still several years behind on her first language or to spend time listening to a child who likes to go on and on about every interaction that went on during school that day).

So, although having another baby is what I really want, I'm enjoying the 'simple' time now and trying not to think too much about what will happen in another 2-2-1/2 months (we're due Feb 23) and trying to get as many things done now as I can (finishing the court case with my ex, moving forward with my seminar paper, getting Hadas through the testing for the school she wants to go to, touching up the paint in the house, etc.) - all this while trying to make enough money so I won't be pressured to work during the first few months after the baby is born...

Does the denial make more sense now?

Three Pounds, Six Ounces and the Metric System

or 1530 grams for those of us who use the metric system... Everything looks right on target and we were surprised to discover that UI (Ubar Inbar) is currently breech... I wonder if that explains why I feel out of breath a lot, especially in the middle of the night. Apparently there's about a 90% chance that UI will decide to do a flip at this point, so I'm not too worried. Yet.

Just last week someone asked about flipping a breech baby. My mom taught childbirth classes for many years and I remember that she used to teach women to flip babies by being in a certain position. I went to check what the research says & the results showed no difference between those who did and those who didn't try it, so I guess that's not really something to count on either.

And, by the way, I found another advantage to the metric system (aside from things dividing into very neat 10's & 100's) - hitting any round number on the scale is troubling when you're gaining weight, but fortunately I've been just short of 70 kilo for quite a while... See, if my scale were in pounds, I would have seen 150 recently, but since I didn't, I'm just thinking how glad I am that I'm not gaining weight too quickly - especially since I seem to have absolutely no control over the quantity of food that I eat...

Low, non-doubling betas suck

In my pre-infertile life, I used to think that once you had a positive pregnancy test, it meant you were pregnant. In the 17+ years since that time, I've learned that that's not always the case. Well, you are technically pregnant, but it doesn't necessarily mean you have any chance of getting a baby out of the whole deal.

I'm not talking about the cases in which you have good betas (say 150 on 14 dpo - days past ovulation), but rather the time when you get an iffy 24, when it should be well over 50. So - should you be happy? Is it time to announce it? Not really. The first thing that happens is that you're asked to repeat it 2 days later. And then what happens when you get a 32? It's going up, but it's not doubling. Another repeat... 2 days later. 59. Almost doubled, right? And it can go on and on. Sometimes it's just a 'chemical pregnancy' and sometimes it isn't, but the low, non-doubling beta is rarely a sign of a healthy pregnancy.

Back in November 2001, I had a pregnancy like this. 14dpt - days post transfer - I had 29. 2 days later, it was 34. Then it continued to almost double, to double, etc. And eventually, an embryo appeared on the ultrasound screen - exactly the size it should be, with a beating heart. It kept growing and slowly I started to think that I might end up with a baby after all. (Strangely, I never really looked at the other hormone tests I did, all of which had values that were not normal for pregnancy.) The pregnancy was a mess. I had a big hematoma (blood clot) in my uterus and had periodic bleeding, but the fetus continued to grow. Around 11 weeks, I had the nuchal translucency test & it was fine. About a week later, I was put on complete bed rest because of heavy bleeding that continued to get worse. The doctor said it was just the hematoma finally draining itself. He was wrong. I started to cramp badly and the pregnancy ended right around 13 weeks.

The signs had been there all along - the low beta, the non-doubling beta, bad hormone tests, heavy bleeding, the hematoma (which never got smaller than the fetus)... After all the bleeding and the uncertainty, I must admit that there was a sense of relief that it was finally over.

Frequently when I read other people's miscarriage stories I find myself forgetting that it ever even happened to me. The times when I do remember are actually when I read about the low, non-doubling betas. And then I feel like I don't know what to say. Should I tell the truth? Should I keep my fingers in mittens? Sometimes I want to say - just pray that if it's going to end, that it end quickly - that you don't have to go through 11 weeks of uncertainty & losing blood only to also lose the baby in the end...

Looking at the queries I get for FertilityStories, a lot of women are wondering what happens when the beta is low or doesn't double...

How low was the lowest beta with which you successfully went on to carry a baby? How many days past ovulation / transfer were you? If you ever had a low or non-doubling beta - what would you have wanted to be told?

Edema's Return IV

My body must have sensed that the third trimester had arrived. Saturday, the day I started week 28, my legs decided to blow up like balloons to celebrate the occasion. Edema's kind of a scary thing, especially when it's linked to pre-eclampsia (though actually swelling in the face and hands is of greater concern) but I'm prepared. I have a blood pressure machine at home and in the past, I even had urine sticks so I could check the protein at home (they've since expired). So, while I'm really happy to be in the third trimester, this is one of the symptoms I could live without... I think I'd give up both the nausea and the extreme hunger too (no, usually they don't hit simultaneously - the nausea is more a night thing).

There are some things I can't complain about - I have no trouble sleeping. I get into my bed and fall asleep within 2 minutes and I sleep well most of the night and - aside from the edema - I am not having any trouble walking, which I've had in the past.

Since I started showing so late (~16 weeks) and haven't gained too much weight, I thought I might be off the hook with the swelling as well. I guess not.

Of course I do feel incredibly lucky. I know Akeeyu is struggling on a daily basis. Gemini Girl hung on through long weeks of hospital bed rest and her tiny daughters are still having a tough time. Es is on modified bed rest, which I know (from experience) to be very un-fun. (Watson, on the other hand, seems to have disappeared...)

In any case, as lucky as I know I am, this edema thing that will probably stick with me for the next few months, is definitely an annoyance.

This deserves an award

Yesterday I had my 2nd and final GTT (Glucose Torture Test) for this pregnancy. It's the one where they give you 100 grams of glucose diluted in warm water and sweetened with diet lemon drink syrup (no kidding). Well, actually, first you fast for at least 8 hours and then you have your blood taken and only then do you drink their weird concoction. I asked to have mine with as little water as possible. Sickly sweet, yes, but you've got to down the whole thing as fast as possible and having less of it makes it more likely for me to survive it without them having to mop the floor. I drank it very quickly. I may have even broken a world record, which would have been a very interesting claim to fame. It's a shame the Guiness guys weren't there to record the exciting event... Anyway, after that you get to have your blood taken every hour on the hour for the next 3 hours. All this to see whether sugar is harming you - it sounds kind of backwards to me...

Having had gestational diabetes with my last pregnancy (discovered in week 39) I had at least a 60% chance of having it recur. I also have most of the risk factors (family history, age, pregnancy #, etc.) but, surprisingly, all 4 of my numbers came back mid-range - definitely no diabetes. Cool... Now all I have to do is finish the 4th Snickers bar so that Ohad won't know I ate any... (since I bought another 4).

So - why do I think this deserves a medal? I had to do the 100g GTT in 2004 and 2005, the 75g one in 2006 & the 100g one twice more in 2007. That's in addition to all the fasting blood sugar tests that I've done, which I consider a piece of cake - with icing.

Up (in the night) dates

My yeast infection (if that's really what it was) seems to be long gone (yay!) I must really have caught it early because I didn't have any of the typical symptoms and it was gone after about a day (don't worry, I'm continuing the full course of treatment because I really don't want it to come back).

I wake up about 3 times during an average night. Either I'm connected to an IV without knowing about it or I drink much more than I think I do... I could say it has to do with pressure on the bladder or something, but the truth is that this has been happening to me ever since I moved out of the dorms (about 20 years ago), when I probably should have gotten up in the middle of the night, but was too lazy to.

One thing I'm thankful for is that in my pregnancies with both Abigail & Nomi, I was wearing a very sexy pregnancy belt by this point (no, that is NOT me in the picture though it is about the size of my belly). Fortunately, this time, I'm not suffering (so far) from symphysis pubis pain (I had it on the debilitating side & the belt really did make it possible for me to do things like walk.) What you can't see in the picture is that it has these two huge velcro straps that you have to undo anytime you need to use the ladies' room. I am enjoying every day that I don't need it...

On another note, I read Bea's cross-fertilization post (great, as all her posts are), which spoke about the idea of just letting her belly tell all and it reminded me of two things that happened to me last week - first, when I went to pick up the prescription, the pharmacist told me not to used the medicine during my period. I nearly cracked up in her face, but decided not to embarrass her, so I just smiled. Second, my neighbor (who I see almost every day) stopped by and suddenly, mid-sentence her jaw fell when she noticed...

In other news, I'm currently in the early stages of writing a seminar paper that has to do with IVF - the specifics aren't closed yet, but it has made me wonder about women's desire for twins...

Yowks! What is that?!?

My older kids asked me, "When did you get pregnant?" & not knowing exactly what they meant, I told them not to worry, that they weren't home at the time... (yeah, I know, who ever imagined I'd get pregnant at home?). "TOO MUCH INFORMATION!" Hadas and Matan yelled to me. Anyway, this post is definitely a TMI post, but also a request from people creating websites for women who are hysterical...

I have never had a yeast infection, so I don't know what it's like, what the symptoms are, how dangerous it is, etc. Well, yesterday, I started to feel a little itch and a quick look revealed that something was definitely wrong. I could have called my sister, who might have known more than me, but she has a baby who has decided that sleep is overrated (and my sister might say that sleep is underrated) and it was after 11, so I consulted with Dr. Google. This is what Dr. Google should have said:

• Stop freaking out!
• Whatever it is, it doesn't endanger the pregnancy.
• You can wait until the morning to see your doctor.
• Stop freaking out and don't call every pharmacy in the city to see if one of them is open.
• Don't self-diagnose.
• The fact that there is no discharge doesn't mean that it's gotta be MORE serious than a yeast infection. [BTW, none of the websites mentioned such a situation.]
• For goodness' sake, stop * freaking * out!
• It's really not going to hurt your baby and most importantly...
• Be nice to your husband who doesn't really get why you're freaking out.

I got most of that information (not the husband part) and was actually able to calm down until I got a totally miraculous doctor's appointment this morning (not with my obgyn, but with one I've seen before). He said I have a mild case, that it's really common in pregnancy & that I was just lucky to never have experienced it before. Mild. He also said that within a few days it will be completely gone, that the treatment is safe during pregnancy & that it does not harm the baby or endanger the pregnancy. Whew!

The only weird thing was running into my dad just as I got to the clinic... The good thing is that at my age it no longer embarrasses me.