Fertility Musings, Questions & Answers and News

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Secondary Infertility - Random Thoughts

I've received a few stories about secondary infertility lately and those and blog posts I've read have caused me to think a lot about when you can really feel that infertility no longer effects you - when you can be truly happy at a pregnancy announcement or walk through a store full of baby clothes and just think, "Who could I buy this outfit for?"

At first, I thought that you can 'put infertility behind you' when you've had the magic number of children for you (and, obviously, for each couple this is a different number). After my twins were born (children 2 & 3) I was constantly "missing" #4. I couldn't get that 4th child out of my head no matter how hard I tried. I was truly longing for that baby, very nearly as much as I had longed for my first. True that I knew that my greatest fear of NEVER having a child was no longer relevant, but it didn't make it any easier to want that child so desperately and not be able to have it. So was 4 my magic number? Because of the changes I made in my life (divorce, remarriage) I will never know.

My current thought is that you can 'put infertility behind you' if you fulfil your 'fertility dreams'. Mine were particularly tricky 1)to just 'find out' I was pregnant (no two week wait) and 2) to wheel one baby in a stroller while being very pregnant with another. I am definitely one of the lucky ones, because I got both my wishes. And, of course, it worked, all the things that used to be hard for me aren't any more. I thank God for this often, very often.

What are your 'fertility dreams' and do you think fulfilling them will allow you to put infertility behind you?

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7 Comments:

  • I'd like to not be scared of pregnancy.

    Bea

    By Blogger Bea, at 10:02 PM  

  • I'll let you know when this one's over, in the good sense or the bad one...

    But at the same time, ditto to Bea sentiment!

    By Anonymous Artblog, at 1:59 AM  

  • I would love to have 4 kids. But even if G-d does grant me that, I don't know that I will ever get over the pain of having to go through IVF.

    By Blogger es, at 11:30 AM  

  • honestly, i feel like it is somewhat behind me. it's a part of who i am and always will be. i know i will have to go through IVF for future children (which i definitely want to have), but i guess i made peace with that. the hardest thing was the earlier years of charting, temping, coming to terms with the problem and navigating the marital difficulties. once we accepted IVF, it was a major turning point and things got much easier.

    no doubt this is HUGELY affected by the fact that IVF was relatively simple for us and worked on the first try (i was expecting 4-6 rounds before success). i'll be shocked to be so lucky next time, and am prepared to be thrown back under the wheels of the 8,000 ton emotional tractor trailer of cycling. i'll have to get back to you then.

    By Blogger Sarah, at 6:53 AM  

  • Well, one of my fantasies was to be pregnant at the same time as my sister...

    My daughter is 15 months younger than her daughter... could be worse.

    Though, strictly speaking, my problem wasn't so much fertility as finding someone who could be a father to my children...

    By Blogger triLcat, at 12:33 PM  

  • You 'long' for a 4th child? Your so-called troubles are pitiful compared to those who long for a - read 1 - child. Get over it! Be happy with your three wonderful children. Being happy is a choice you make every day and your self-induced longing makes truly infertile couples weep with rage.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:48 AM  

  • First of all, the post is about secondary infertility and my point was exactly what you seem to find difficult to understand. Not being able to have a child that you want to have is incredibly painful, whether it's your first or not.

    Second - the longing is not 'self-induced'. It comes from deep inside, just like your desire for a first child. Believe me. I know.

    Third - wanting a fourth child doesn't mean I don't appreciate the first three enough. If it did, you could criticize any couple who chose to have more than one child.

    Fourth - 'truly infertile'? I don't think it is wise to judge someone's fertility by the number of children s/he has. There are plenty of families who have four and more children who never would have been born without the help of IVF - and yes, you can remain infertile even after you have children. The vast majority of couples do.

    By Blogger Rachel Inbar, at 12:06 PM  

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