posted May 9, 2006, Updated
Feb 13, 2008
I am married to a wonderful husband who
treats me like a queen. I have a wonderful job after
leaving a career of 10 years. I have three wonderful
pets, 2 cats and a dog. Yet the past three years have
been painful to say the least.
Since I was 14, my periods have never been normal.
My periods ranged from 30-50 days. I didn't track them,
so when it was a long cycle I always wondered if I was
Never happened. I am thankful, it would have been with
the wrong person.
We started off just trying on our own for the first
year. Nothing happened but I heard from lots of people
that it is normal for a couple to take a year to get
One day I was driving past a sign that said acupuncture
I thought to myself, "that is good, it is natural".
I made an appointment for both of us to attend. We asked
many questions and I didn't feel that comfortable with
the lady. She was very nice but she went on and on about
the past and I just wanted to find out about my present
situation to help our chances. I was still hooked on
this ritual and found a very nice clinic in another
town. Everyone was super nice and I felt very relaxed.
After the consult visit I felt such peace.
I went for my first visit, which I was nervous for.
I didn't look, but then she said she was done and I
didn't even feel it. I went for several months and we
both took herbs and potions. After a while, my mind
wasn't agreeing with my body and I just wasn't feeling
the treatments were helping at all.
After that we took a slight break. I went for
my yearly gyn visit. The doctor suggested a fertility
study. Before this, my husband and I had not considered
any fertility pills because of the risks. Now,
all my friends were deciding to start families
or add on and they got pregnant right away. Even
a few friends had surprise pregnancies. I was
so upset that I decided to try the study.
It was very time consuming, having to go every
other day and get vaginal ultrasounds and bloodwork,
then once you ovulate you had to go for these
The important part was that they did other tests such
as making sure my tubes weren't blocked. This is a very
expensive (and painful) procedure. The test results came
out good, in fact ALL of my tests results came out good.
They tested my husband and he was above normal.
I don't know what pills I was on until September of
this year. I had several IUI's
which were not painful at all. I thought if I conceived
while in a chair at a clinic and my husband wasn't in
a room that it was a little weird. I soon got over that
when they said I ovulated and I was doing well.
Three months this went on, and I got my period everytime.
After the study was over I decided to go to a nutritionalist.
A friend had been going for other problems and raved
about it for months. I went and automatically felt awful.
I decided to give it a try since I was at wit's end
of all this infertility. The nutrionalist was pregnant
and that was hard to see all the time. I saw other nutrionalists
there but I didn't feel comfortable. I hadn't felt
better and I had to take all these supplements three
times a day. I was up to 8 a day. I just felt it was
We decided to take another break. Then I revisited
my gyn for my annual and she prescribed clomid. We talked
of side effects and I felt at this point I don't care.
I just want to be a mom.
During all of this I have felt alone. All my friends
in the beginning of all of this have since had children
and moved on. Days of not getting pregnant were long
behind them. New friends I had made got sick of listening
to me go on and on about counting days and doctor visits.
Good friends were there to listen but never went through
it so they tried to relate but really couldn't. Strangers
and acquintences said things that they thought was helpful.
It hurt the worst.
"Relax it will happen, if you are stressed it
I didn't stress for the first year and nothing happened.
Besides if it were that easy I would have had two kids
Maybe it wasn't meant to be.
Well, I don't want to say what I thought. So I didn't
do anything but change the subject and go home and cry.
NO, I wasn't there yet. I wasn't ready to think about
that unless it was a last resort.
It happened for me, it can happen for you. Stick in
Good for you but that is not fertilizing my egg and
implanting it my uterus for 9 months.
It is so hard to see pregnant women and not get angry
that they are lucky and I am unfortunate. I have seen
women take total advantage of having their own biological
child. I just want to shake them and say, "you
are dumb". I got upset over women who had children
and commented on infertility because they couldn't have
more. Hey, at least you had one or two or three. That
is totally different than having NO biological children
Then I thought, I need to not be mad. Good for them.
Maybe they tried for a long time and it finally happened
for them. That is hard to think but I try to remind
I feel like sometimes I am being punished for things
I did. I don't have any regrets because I wouldn't
be who I am today if I did. But I still felt that this
pain that is so undescribable can only be punishment.
Now, I only have one or two people I can talk to about
any of this. I feel even more alone. I do talk to my
husband about it but he has no idea what it is like.
He feels saddened too because he really wants to be
a family. The hormonal and unique experience of growing
a life and giving birth is beyond his comprehension.
He is a man after all. He has been very supportive but
yet I still feel stranded.
That is how I know that this journey has been and still
is the longest and hardest I think I will ever have
to endure. My best friend laughs at that because she
tells me I have been through some crazy stuff in my
life that seems worse. Nonetheless, she understands
and tries to cheer me up when I call hysterical saying
I got my period again.
I wish I didn't have all this animosity and despair
but I really don't know how to fix it or deal with
it. I thought of professional help but time is an issue.
We have a puppy and he takes up so much more of our
time than I ever bargained for.
In conclusion, I am 30 years old. I have no children
and I feel so sad that I cry often. Maybe one day, I
will get my wish. If I do not, I will live a miserable
life. We may or may not adopt. Until we are on the same
page about it, we won't. I am on my last trial dose
of clomid (3rd month in a row) and if it doesn't work
I will not know what state of mind I will be in. IVF
is too risky, all that time and money and no guarantee.
We just need to decide how far we want to take this.
We both agree we should think of one step at a time
when we get there. Things can change easily and fast!
You are a dream I have every night.
I feel like until you are here,
things in life just aren't right.
I reach out to you but you are so far away,
but somehow I have to hold on to the thought
that you might be mine someday.
My love for you pours out of my heart
so much it floods my eyes.
I look to God and pray
and ask him to bless you in our lives.
And when that moment comes and you are finally here,
I will reach out to you and you will be near.
Either way I know that we were meant to be
and that we will love you for all eternity.
Update from May 28, 2007
Well I finished my third round of Clomid and nothing
happened. I was at such a loss. I didn't know which
way to turn or what to do. The gyn suggested that I
go back to the Reproductive Endocronologist. I couldn't,
I was in too much fear of what they would say. That
those pain staking words would come to fruition and
I would not be able to conceive my own biological child.
Was I ready to hear that?! Never, I thought. My periods
seemed to regulate themselves once I turned 30 so I
thought we should just try on our own.
Well one month later I was calling different doctors
for an appointment. I needed to know my options. In
a way, I thought I could never truly move on to another
step of my infertility treatments unless I exhausted
all that I could so far. At that point in time, I surely
In July of 2006, I went to see a RE and she listened
to my whole history and said she could put me on IUI's
with injections but it would be a waste of my time since
it had been 5 long years. She said, even though it was
only 3 years of actively trying, those first two years
we were married and didn't do anything to prevent a
pregnancy would mean that I should count that. Great,
I thought, add more time to this difficult matter.
Then she said that IVF
was to be our only option. I wanted to jump out the
window next to me. I asked questions and just sat there
shaking my head. How did it get to this point? What
was so wrong with me that I couldn't get pregnant like
everyone else who just woke up and said, yeah I will
do that and a month later they were seeing two lines?!
I told her I didn't want to do IVF and she said "Why?"
very sternly. I said because of all the time and emotion
that would go into it and wouldn't work, I don't know
if I could live after that. I don't know if I could
go on with my life as if nothing happened. (I wasn't
thinking suicidal, just the end of the road to my infertility.)
She asked if it was covered by my insurance and it was.
She told me that it was my only option and if it is
covered, I should take advantage of that.
My mom went with me to that appointment since my husband
had to work and she told me the doctor was right. I
said okay, I will do it. Of course I need to talk to
my husband and see what he thinks. I had told him a
couple of times about it and he said, well if you feel
comfortable then do it. You are the brave one that has
to go through it.
So they gave me the booklet of all the testing and information
about the process. I thought this would all take a month
and then I would be on my way. Well, the clinic was
not very upfront and everytime I talked to someone they
said different things. I didn't like the inconsistency.
It made me feel like my best interests in mind. I did
schedule my hsg and they said I have several small polyps
in my uterus and I needed to wait a week for the doctor
to talk to me and then schedule a D&C.
Well, frustrated I called another clinic and they got
me in right away. After all the intial testing was forwarded
they scheduled me for a polypectomy in September. I
also found out they only take a certain amount of patients
each month so they didn't overload themselves. Some
people would see that as a little pretentious but I
thought of it has clever. I did see the same doctor
that I had in the study the year before. She agreed
that IVF was our best bet. After my polypectomy, I rechecked
with the doctor to say the surgery went well and there
weren't several little ones, just one big one. Whew,
was I glad I changed doctors.
Then they said, I needed a rubella shot because I didn't
have enough immunity. Then I would have to wait 6 weeks
before I could get retested and then get on the waiting
list for IVF. Wow, bump after bump-I was so upset during
this time. Why was this happening, I was so ready to
start and every time I turn around, another step back.
Well, finally I was ready to go on the waiting list.
November was filled up and December they didn't take
patients because of yearly machine callibrations and
the holidays. Ugh, I couldn't take another set back.
This was a true test of patience, something I have little
They start you on birth control pills before you start
your IVF (what? I am trying to get pregnant and you
are preventing it more?!) I know it was to suppress
my ovaries, but how ironic. Even my husband was baffled
by all this. Well, since I had a history of migraines
they didn't want me to start them until January and
then IVF in Feb/March. NO, I said, I won't wait that
After talking to several nurses and coordinaters, they
finally talked with the doctor and agreed to put me
on them in November and December. I was relieved, finally
this is happening. I ordered my injections and when
I got that box and work, I had to open it and see all
the things inside. I was so overwhelmed and scared.
I found a website online and talked to several women
going through IVF or had previously gone through it
and they eased my fears.
I went to a local support group that I was starting
and there was a woman who had a baby and was pregnant
again. The doctors told her should could NEVER get pregnant.
She did it and she said some important words that I
will never forget and will tell other people about....."don't
let anyone tell you 0% you won't have your own child,
because I am looking at my 0% right now (as she pointed
to her 9 month old son)" I went to the injection
class and got my calendar. Wow, was that alot of information
to take in at once. The calendar looked crazy. Appointments,
shots, egg retrieval, transfer, timing.
January 5th came and it was time for my first shot,
I rushed to the board to express my fear of pain. I
had been around needles (I worked at animal hospitals
for 10 yrs) it was the pain I couldn't handle. They
again eased my fears that it was no big deal. After
that first injection things got easier and easier for
me. I bought a t-shirt that said "believe it, conceive
it" (trademarked) and when I started my stimulation
injections, I wore it to every appointment. I was excited
by that point, I just said, gosh I cannot wait to have
The stimulation injections were very uncomfortable and
I kept saying the word baby over and over and just did
it. I pulled out all my baby things that I had collected
over the years when my period was late and I thought
it would be my month. I put my shirt on it and made
a shrine to baby. When it came time for my egg retrieval,
I was so happy. That week I remained positive (Which
I didn't know where it was coming from because nothing
else worked, what made me think this would? Yet, I thought,
I was so used to be sad and depressed that I was going
to act happy about all this, and I did!). They called
me to say they had 10 eggs, 6 fertilized and on day
3 I went for my transfer. 3 looked good but they could
only put two because of my age. That was fine by me.
They brought in the incubator that the embryos were
in and they transfer went smoothly. I thought, wow this
is it. We were given a picture of the two that went
back in and a sample petri dish of their first 3 days
of life. Not many people get that, they don't get to
see their babies as blastocysts, not that I wish this
on anyone, but I thought it made me instantly bond with
I also felt great because even though my calendar was
tentative, I followed it to a T. I took in all the signs,
why not right? The intramuscular shots were most frightening
to me but I got over that quick, I had to do this, I
had come so far.
The 2ww was long but after my first progesterone test,
I got more hopeful instead of hopeless. I put the blastocyst
picture in a frame and talked to them everyday. Sounds
nutty but it kept me sane. My online friends going through
infertility were there the whole time holding my hand
and keeping me motivated. Which is astonishing considering
some were at their low points. Amazing how woman can
bond and be there for you! Well on February 15th, we
got the news. I saw the number on the phone, took the
deepest longest breath and answered. It was the girl
from the smaller office where I got all my ultrasounds
and bloodworks since it was closer to home. I knew as
soon as I heard her voice that it was good news. I felt
it in my heart. I was right, she said congrats girl
you are pregnant!
I couldn't believe it even though I had a good inclination
that it had happened for me. After all those years of
disappointments you cannot get that negativety completly
out. I screamed, cried and told her to say it again
and again. She was so happy she choked on her tears
too!. She said my number was 551 which anything over
100 is good.
I went a three days later and the numbers was over
2,000 then I went three days after that and the numbers
were in the 8,000's. It was true through and through.
We told his family, my family and some close friends
(including my online buddies). We scheduled my 6 week
ultrasound and my clothes were getting tight already.
My friend joked that it was 4, I said, I don't think
so but in my own mind I thought there were two at least.
I didn't tell anyone, I kept it to myself.
On my 6 week visit they did a transvaginal ultrasound
and within 3 seconds she said there is your two. I was
elated and so amazed at my gut feeling that that was
the case. My dear husband looked like a dear in headlights.
He was happy just shocked! We couldn't wait to call
everyone who knew we were pregnant and they were elated
They released me to my ob/gyn and she said I was high
risk. I trusted her but felt I needed to not worry about
if I was getting proper care or not so with much consideration
I switched to a high risk ob. They really listen to
me and I feel that I go often enough that they will
do everything they can to ensure this pregnancy will
On our 12 week visit we got to see them again, my how
they had grown. We found out one was a boy and the other
wouldn't uncross his/her legs so we had to wait.
On our 16th week visit, I went to get my cervix checked
and the lady said, we aren't looking at the babies today
and I frowned and said, well then I will have to wait
a whole month to find out what the other is. She thought
and then said she would take a peak. It was a girl!
So a boy and a girl. I couldn't have asked for anything
My first trimester was great, I had food aversions but
no morning sickness. I was going to acupuncture since
my egg transfer so that was helping keep the symptoms
at bay. At 8weeks I was already showing and had to tell
everyone at work. They figured since it was kind of
hard to hide it.
I am now 19 weeks (due October 22nd) and I look about
6 months along. I felt a flutter here there but it is
hard to distinguish between all the rumblings that take
place. I started shopping and getting our bedroom ready
for them. I went and registered today and had a blast.
I can't wait until I really start to feel them kick
as I am still in shock that this happened for us.
I will update more later as I progress and then give
birth. Thank you to Rachel for this site and allowing
others to share their stories and mine! I read alot
of them on here and I want to stand up and applaud you.
It is hard but you are all strong and brave. I started
my own local group to help women talk about their infertility
because I feel, I will never forget how I got to this
point and how much of a miracle this is. I still get
angry at parents who take their kids for granted or
who complain about being pregnant. I don't know if that
will ever fade.
Updated Feb 13, 2008
The last I left off I was 19 weeks pregnant.
The rest of my pregnancy went well overall. I had a
few scares of pre-term labor, non-fetal movement, stress
that was causing emmense pain in my ribs, high blood
pressure and some swelling.
The babies moved alot. My boy was more active and turned
from breech to head down in week 26! My girl was head
down the whole time and on my cervix. She had hiccups
all the time and they tickled.
As I got closer the end, I was so big and uncomfortable.
I had gained all of my 45lbs in my belly. I am only
5'2" so that was alot of weight to support. The
end of my pregnancy was spent in bed with severe heartburn.
I just told myself that this was all worth it, it was
what I wanted and soon I would be holding my two babies.
On September 28, 2007 I went to my ob and he did an
exam and said he felt baby A's head. That was a little
creepy but it just meant that soon they would make their
appearance. On September 29th I was up at 2am to drink
water and watch tv since I couldn't sleep. I went to
get up to get more water and MY water broke.
I ran to the bathroom and called my husband to come
home from work. We arrived at the hospital at 4am and
I was admitted and hooked up the monitors. I wasn't
having any contractions and the babies heartrates were
doing great. I was to go in for my c-section at 7am
but throughout the day emergencies took precedence over
me. Finally at 2:30 PM I was wheeled into the surgery
At 2:44 PM Indira Ameet was born weighing 5lbs 4oz,
measuring at 17" long. At 2:45PM (exactly 12 hours
after my water broke) Arjun Ameet was born weighing
5lbs 8oz, measuring 17" long. They showed them
to me briefly before whisking them off to the nursery
to get examined.
I spent the next 9 hours in recovery, my blood pressure
was spiking, my blood levels were decreasing due to
my everlasting hemorraging. my uterus was so stretched
out that it was not retracting. I was on severe pain
medicines and other things to help me heal. I was in
so much pain and very loopy but they brought the babies
by to show me very quickly.
I finally was put in my room at midnight and spent the
next 4 days recovering and bonding with my new family.
They took the breast very quickly but were also bottle
fed so I could learn to feed both at the same time.
My husband took it all in very well and dived right
in changing diapers, soothing and feeding.
When we came home there were many sleepless nights and
crying both from the babies and me. It was very emotional
to be taking care of these two precious gems and healing
myself. The next couple of months improved slowly. Now
they are 4 1/2 months old and are doing so well. They
are meeting all their milestones for the adjusted age
as well as their actual age.
I look forward to many more milestones as they continue
to grow. I want to thank you Rachel for posting these
stories. I continue to support women going through infertility
with my monthly meetings here locally as well as online
all around the world. Infertility is something I will
always admit to having because it was such a HUGE part
of my life. I will never forget the journey it took
to become a mother. I never gave up even when it felt
like the easier answer. I hope you don't either.